Tagger

5 THINGS … WE JUST MADE UP …
Nanjing Night Net

1 Everyone’s been calling Milney an idiot for years, but Scott Watters does it and it’s a big story. Typical bloody media.

2 If Collingwood is looking to give any more new contracts to blokes who haven’t played a game, I’d be happy to take a cheque, internet transfer, or even pop by and pick up a bag of cash.

3 It’s funny how when players say they want more free time in the pre-season to pursue “other meaningful activities besides football”, the first thing everyone thinks of is drugs.

4 Then again, there’s always the possibility they’d use the time creatively. Like by putting on balaclavas and staging a fake armed siege on a teammate’s house.

5 Brad Scott must be running out of people to have a fight with if he’s blueing with girls.

ARMCHAIR FOOTY BINGO

Finding it hard not to chuckle when you hear Melbourne players say Mark Neeld’s coaching better than ever? Laying awake at night pondering whether Jack Watts was a bigger whipping boy with or without the beard? Let the goal umpire review make a hash of it while you have a game of Armchair Footy Bingo! Rack up more points than there are New Zealanders who reckon they’d have less trouble with sets shots than Ahmed Saad, and you win.

This week’s targets:

Maintaining his reputation for innovation, GWS coach Kevin Sheedy asks the AFL for permission to embroil the club in a drugs scandal in a bid to start winning games like Melbourne and Essendon – 2 points.

Damien Hardwick’s wife takes over as coach of Richmond, immediately improving the Tigers’ performance, not to mention their tackle count. Fnarr, fnarr – 4 points.

Having admitted he’s not surprised people are saying he should be sacked, Michael Voss says he’s also not surprised it gets dark at night time or that children like ice cream. 6 points.

Scott Pendlebury’s radical claim that Collingwood players were cheating against Essendon sparks a revolutionary outpouring of honesty from within Magpie ranks, with coach Nathan Buckley saying he wishes he’d stayed at Brisbane, Eddie McGuire admitting Joffa’s a dickhead and the rest of the club’s fans are even worse, and Ben Hudson saying that in 37 clubs and 46 seasons in the game, he’s never come across such a bunch of dim-witted bogans in all his life – 10 points.

SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION

Six steps from Damien Hardwick to Henny Youngman:

1 Damien Hardwick is a football coach in charge of a sleeping giant that’s got feral fans who seem to be quite proud of being feral but just the same thank goodness Tagger doesn’t come with a picture byline, like the photos that were taken by …

2 Linda McCartney, who was married to Paul and part of Wings and didn’t eat meat and took lots of pictures but before that she was an Eastman although that story about her grandpa inventing Kodak film was a myth, a bit like the myth that Walt Disney drew …

3 Mickey Mouse, the cartoon character who looks nothing like a mouse and whose name is slang for something inconsequential which is a big word for Tagger who should stick to Mickey Mouse bits of trivia like the Mickey Mouse Club being the springboard to fame for …

4 Ryan Gosling, the actor who was in that movie where he drove really fast and whose name makes you think of geese, or maybe even Jim Goose from Mad Max, who certainly didn’t have goose bumps when he went up in flames, just like that song by …

5 Nicki Minaj, the rapper who doesn’t like Lil’ Kim, unless writing a song called Stupid Hoe is a compliment, or maybe it was about a dopey gardening tool that might even annoy that funny Costa bloke, who’s not as funny as …

6 Henny Youngman, the dead comedian who was born in Liverpool and moved to New York and learned the violin but became a star telling one-liners, and always made people laugh when he told that one about his wife, just like Damien Hardwick.

FOOTYHEAD SAYS

The weekly serve from the bloke who’d probably just get a haircut if he needed an alice band to keep his hair out of his eyes:

“The Rah Rahs were so happy after their biggest quarter ever they had a bugler and sang the song twice. Meanwhile, Sheeds was happy his mob had competed with an AFL team, which no one had called Melbourne for ages.”

This story Administrator ready to work first appeared on Nanjing Night Net.